Does your “friend” actually like you?

If you have to ask, you probably already know the answer

Feb 10, 2026

While I don’t have too many regrets in life, there was a high school classmate who I said something mean to and the next day gave me a card that said “I looked up ‘friend’ in the dictionary and it says a friend is ‘someone who likes you’ so based on that definition, you are clearly not my friend.” I don’t remember how I responded in the moment but do know that at least in college I sent two apology emails and her words hit home enough that I memorized them and can recite them here 25+ years later.

Interestingly though, memorizing them doesn’t necessarily mean that I internalized them when it came to my own friendships. It took me years and years to realize that one person in my life had been unkind to me from the very beginning. When I reflected on our early days together, I saw a pattern of using opportunities to tell me about all the people who didn’t like me and creating a dynamic where she was the hero for being willing to spend time with me.

When I’d meet another of her boyfriends, if they weren’t teasing me to my face, she’d tell me behind his back why he didn’t like me. Whenever we reconnected, she had to tell multiple stories in front of me about why I was a loser and she put up with me anyway. Most of our text exchanges involved sharing an update about a mutual connection with mean commentary. Frankly, when I’ve been my least kind, I was with her — I’m not blaming her, I have my own agency, but I find it interesting that I spent so much time with someone who brought out the worst in me.

But here’s the thing: she was also a lot of fun. She was smart and funny and charismatic and we had so many common interests above and beyond our history together. It can be easy when you enjoy someone so much to remember the highlights and forget the jabs. This is why it took me until my early 40s to realize: this person clearly doesn’t like me. Maybe if the definition chosen by my classmate was more specific, I might have seen the signs earlier.

So if, per chance, you are reading this and wondering what some of the signs are that someone is *not* your friend and doesn’t actually like you, I’ve identified these:

They often identify as the person who is going to be really honest and “tell you like it is” or “put you in your place.”
They’re chronically and egregiously late → to them, your time doesn’t matter.
They know what you’re most sensitive about and instead of never bringing that topic up, they mock you for it.
When you think about spending time with them, there’s a small pit in your stomach or you have to kind of find the energy to handle it → your body knows the truth.
If my father is reading this, he’ll want me to add here: if people who love you tell you someone is not your friend, they’re probably not.

By way of contrast, when one of my dearest friends got married at a farm and I was standing by her as a bridesmaid, a rogue goat came up way too close and I was not subtle at all about my fear/concern/anxiety. I probably ruined many ceremony photos with just my face and posture. And yet she only brings it up if we’re around livestock. If she only teases me about that moment of complete failure when it’s relevant, why am I okay with someone constantly reminding me that no one wanted to date me in high school? I was a tall mathlete with an assertive personality at an all-girls school, I wasn’t expecting to have teenage boys flocking to me.

Middle age inspires a lot of reflection and list-making and auditing of what works and what doesn’t. You don’t have to be friends with everyone and you don’t have to break up a friendship or have a formal parting of the ways. You can simply allocate your time, thought, and other resources to be most aligned with the people who bring out the best in you.

If that’s not helpful enough, however, here are some great signs of the kinds of friends to keep:

Your group chat is one of the first places you go with good and bad news
You’ve actively thought about moving to be closer to one or more of them
If you haven’t seen them regularly, you could go away for a weekend and not need any activities because you’d talk the whole time
They remember the milestones that matter to you
You would drop anything to help them and vice versa

I have been fortunate throughout my life to amass and retain wonderful friends but admit that now, in my 40s, with the combination of not either going to an office or having friends in activities that involve meeting other people, I have to cling tighter to the ones I already have. I’m glad I have though because I have somehow collected an incredible group of smart, funny, kind, helpful, and interesting people who treat me like someone they like.

That’s my new standard: it’s not about history or proximity or inside jokes. Simply asking “do they treat me like someone they like?” is the perfect filter and can save a lot of time and heartache.

My high school classmate figured that out at 17, and it only took me twenty-five years to catch up.