The vasectomy in the room
A 29-year-old asks about starting a family with a man who's already finished his
Dear Karen,
I’m engaged to a wonderful man (I’m 29, he’s 44) who has three teenage kids from his previous marriage. The day-to-day stuff is fine. He handles the parenting, the kids are good, and the slack doesn’t fall on me.
But I think I want kids of my own, and don’t know what to do. Early on, he was adamant he didn’t want more. His ex didn’t pull her weight, plus one kid had serious health complications, and it all contributed to their marriage breakdown. Whenever I brought up kids, he got defensive. I finally told him if I couldn’t even talk about it, I didn’t know what I was doing there.
He wrote me an apology letter saying he pictures us with kids and I’d make a wonderful mother. But now in couples therapy, when asked about kids, he said he’s “open to it, but not gonna push for it” which puts the decision entirely on me.
The complications are piling up: he has a vasectomy (said it could be reversed, but then spiraled into fears about reversal failures and pregnancy complications). We’re planning a prenup, and I want to include family planning provisions, but he dismisses it as “not what prenups are for” and changes the subject.
I love him. He prioritizes our relationship and checks in with me. But my patience runs low when I have to compromise too much, and I’m not sure if the vasectomy/prenup stuff is the real issue or if I’m missing the bigger picture.
– Not Sure What I’m Stepping Into
Dear Not Sure,
You’re not missing the bigger picture – you’re staring right at it and trying to decide if you can live with what you see.
I can tell you love him. The way you describe how he prioritizes you, checks in with you, makes sure you don’t disappear into his existing family dynamic? That matters so much and a lot of people in blended families don’t get that level of intentionality.
But here’s what I’m also hearing: Your fiancé had a rough first marriage, processed approximately none of it, and is now hoping his “openness” to more kids counts as having dealt with his baggage. It doesn’t.
The vasectomy is a literal, physical manifestation of a decision he made when he was done. The fact that he dangles “it can be reversed” while simultaneously catastrophizing about reversal failures and genetic disasters? That’s not neutrality. That’s someone who wants credit for being flexible without actually being flexible.
As for the prenup, that’s classic subject-changing dressed up as expertise. You’re trying to plan your future together, and he’s telling you that’s “not what prenups are for.” Maybe he’s right about the technicalities, maybe he’s not, but either way, he’s shutting down a conversation you need to have.
Now, the hard part: you need to decide what you want and what you’re willing to live with. Not what you hope might change, not what he said in that letter when you threatened to leave, but what’s actually happening right now.
Can you live with him if reversing the vasectomy fails? Can you live with him if you decide you want kids and he decides he really doesn’t? Can you live with him if “open to it” means “I’ll let you talk me into it but resent you for it later”?
That last one matters most. It’s one thing to say “I’ll let you talk me into it and I’ll be a fully engaged partner.” It’s another to let you talk him into it with anything less. That’s a trap for all of you – not because he’s a bad guy, but because nobody wins. You get a baby with a partner who didn’t really want it. He gets to fulfill his obligation while quietly tallying every sleepless night as proof he was right. The kid gets parents who love them but will eventually sense the tension.
You’re 28 so you have time. But you don’t have infinite time, and you definitely don’t have time to spend three more years hoping therapy will make him want what he doesn’t want.
Couples counseling is a great start, but add individual therapy for you. Use it to get really, really honest about your non-negotiables. Then bring those to couples therapy and watch what he does with them. Does he engage? Does he deflect? Does he “forget” to follow up on the prenup conversation for the fourteenth time?
Love doesn’t make this decision easier. Sometimes it makes it harder, because you can see exactly what you’d be walking away from. But if the answer to those questions makes you feel like you’re being “high maintenance” for wanting clarity about whether you’ll have children? That’s not you being difficult. That’s clarity.
Step back until you know whether you’re moving forward together or not.
Good luck!
Karen
About Mess of the Moment
Mess of the Moment is an advice column for people navigating situations that don’t come with a playbook, including blended families, workplace dynamics, complex extended families, and other relationships where the “right answer” isn’t obvious. Got a question? I can’t promise I’ll have the answer, but I can promise I’ve probably stepped in something similar.
Submit your questions anonymously at this link or email steppinginitsite@gmail.com Questions may be edited for length and clarity, but the mess stays intact.
