I once took an anthropology elective in college. Some sub-cultures are just mean, and there isn’t much you can do about it. It probably wouldn’t matter if you bought the t shirt or not; there would always be a reason to “other” you. Embrace your minority status, and embrace the 20% of the moms who are undoubtedly “othered” as well.
Can’t wait to use “Thanks for letting me know!” This week at work in honor of you 🩷 also if they had made any effort to get to know you, they probably would’ve been on the receiving end of fabulous baked goods. Their loss!
Exclusionary sports moms are no fun at all. I strongly encouraged solo sports and only team activities with fun people (eg, drama club) largely bc of my need to not spend nights and weekends with the popular moms.
Second wife and stepmom to a swimmer sending support and hugs. My husband made t-shirts for us to wear to meets in my stepkid’s favorite color. Mine had Stepmom on the back. It was fantastic.
This is such a relatable story. The dynamics of these kind of subcultures can be so embedded and strange. I have similar stories. Thanks for sharing yours.
Keeping up with the Star-Bellied Sneeches is always exhausting. I'm sorry you had to deal with unnecessary politics from the inspiration for the cast of Mean Girls.
I did not know what “Thank you for letting me know” meant but I’m proud to know I used it correctly to the man at the farmers market who stalked me to tell me I should clean up after my dog — I sentiment I heartily concur with. Apparently he hadn’t seen me do it..
I had a weird guy in my neighborhood do the same thing and I was literally holding the bag while he did so. I did a similar "thank you for letting me know" but unfortunately my voice/face is more revealing than my internal tone when typing so I think he knows I hate him.
This came up on my timeline, great read! Another article that I just saw is about “Disney adults”, arguing that “childless adults” have childish interests and are refusing to grow up. I don’t know what’s more childish: high school parents forming cliques and excluding people over football teams and T-shirts or people going to a theme park.
Thank you! Ultimately it feels like the most childish thing adults do is form cliques and exclude people for not liking the "right" things. Whether it's Disney, the right football team, or matching t-shirts — we're all just trying to find our people. The toxicity is in the gatekeeping, not the interests.
1) If the dive team isn’t about her, then it doesn’t make any damn difference whether she wears the shirt.
2) Being a parent of a kid on a team neither implies nor requires outsourcing your agency to the whims of other parents who form a hive mind around their association with that team. *Those* are the people who have made the team about themselves rather than the kids — your comment is an utter inversion of reality.
It’s not agency. Agency would infer doing something meaningful. There is nothing meaningful about refusing to fit in for reasons of whim. Although, to be blunt, even that is arguably more meaningful than subsequently writing about the whole tedious affair.
You read the whole post despite finding it “tedious,” then spent additional time reading the comments and composing replies to at least one of them. Pretty well drains any credibility from the smug, above-it-all, “I have better things to do with my time” act.
I can’t believe that is what you got from reading this. I was the proper age for my kids’ organized activities but didn’t fit other expectations no matter how hard I tried (and I tried many times with 4 kids). As OP realized and was clear, the “rules” are about conformity, they just allow the adult bullies to find a crack to ostracize.
There is no doubt that the kids on both sides absorb at least part of these feelings/actions making it worse. My heart always broke for my kids for having the “weird/bad/non conforming mom.
Finally with my 4th I embraced it by finding my own peer group who also became active at his activities. We were all outcasts of some sort and got loud for his teams.
I say screw the cliques that only continue their middle school antics and try to find your people! That teaches our children a much better lesson.
1) Clearly it did since she was snarked at the rest of the season.
2) Choosing to wear the shirt isn’t “giving up your agency”. It is a choice made in the interest of harmony. In these situations the parents and kids can get together to ostracize a teammate who is disliked. A parent who makes an effort to belong can help keep that from happening.
You’re defending an absolutely sickening system that no one should defend for one second. “Conform to any petty requirement or expect your child to be punished” should set alarm bells off in anyone’s head.
1) That’s because the people who the team isn’t about decided to make it about themselves rather than the kids, which makes them the ones in the wrong.
2) Finding someone’s preference not to wear a particular shirt disharmonious is histrionic, and demanding that kind of conformity from a parent of a member of a high school team on pain of being ostracized or even just treated differently is sociopathic and abusive.
The team is about the kids, not about the parents, and what the parents wear does not affect the team or have anything to do with the team. Any parent who makes an issue about what any other parent wears is an asshole busybody who needs to mind her own f***ing business. Reread this paragraph until you get it.
Most parents are so fat they shouldn’t be allowed to wear cheap t-shirts in public. Nobody wants to see your man boobs or the gentle outline of your overworked underwire bra half buried in a fat roll.
It’s not fashionable, but Transactional Analysis - the Thomas Harris ‘I’m OK-You’re OK’ stuff - is a great and accessible tool for identifying and side stepping such hazards rather than blundering into them. Bad for copy-generation though :-)
Thank you - I'll need to look up! Once again my art history degree leads to great stories to share and unhelpful real-world skills. I'm just waiting for the moment my knowledge of Byzantine architecture ever becomes beneficial.
I once took an anthropology elective in college. Some sub-cultures are just mean, and there isn’t much you can do about it. It probably wouldn’t matter if you bought the t shirt or not; there would always be a reason to “other” you. Embrace your minority status, and embrace the 20% of the moms who are undoubtedly “othered” as well.
I actually think approaching from an anthropological standpoint is helpful too — I’ve observed yet another subculture I do not want to be part of!
Can’t wait to use “Thanks for letting me know!” This week at work in honor of you 🩷 also if they had made any effort to get to know you, they probably would’ve been on the receiving end of fabulous baked goods. Their loss!
Don't forget the exclamation mark! It adds a level of enthusiasm to the passive aggression that I think is really important.
Those “other moms” were thanking you. As I get older, I have less patience for these little groups, which has turned me into a hermit.
Exclusionary sports moms are no fun at all. I strongly encouraged solo sports and only team activities with fun people (eg, drama club) largely bc of my need to not spend nights and weekends with the popular moms.
I started brainstorming activities that were more fun for parents and came up with a similar list!
Second wife and stepmom to a swimmer sending support and hugs. My husband made t-shirts for us to wear to meets in my stepkid’s favorite color. Mine had Stepmom on the back. It was fantastic.
Make your own tshirts is genius. Kind of disappointed that didn’t occur to me!
This is such a relatable story. The dynamics of these kind of subcultures can be so embedded and strange. I have similar stories. Thanks for sharing yours.
Keeping up with the Star-Bellied Sneeches is always exhausting. I'm sorry you had to deal with unnecessary politics from the inspiration for the cast of Mean Girls.
I did not know what “Thank you for letting me know” meant but I’m proud to know I used it correctly to the man at the farmers market who stalked me to tell me I should clean up after my dog — I sentiment I heartily concur with. Apparently he hadn’t seen me do it..
I had a weird guy in my neighborhood do the same thing and I was literally holding the bag while he did so. I did a similar "thank you for letting me know" but unfortunately my voice/face is more revealing than my internal tone when typing so I think he knows I hate him.
As a cheer mom for two years, this resonated deeply.
Ooooh I’ve heard tales of cheer moms. Thank you for the support!
Spectacular piece, I loved it. I’m a mom and baby group drop out, so I felt this deeply.
Thank you so much for the kind words!!
This came up on my timeline, great read! Another article that I just saw is about “Disney adults”, arguing that “childless adults” have childish interests and are refusing to grow up. I don’t know what’s more childish: high school parents forming cliques and excluding people over football teams and T-shirts or people going to a theme park.
Thank you! Ultimately it feels like the most childish thing adults do is form cliques and exclude people for not liking the "right" things. Whether it's Disney, the right football team, or matching t-shirts — we're all just trying to find our people. The toxicity is in the gatekeeping, not the interests.
You should have worn the shirt no matter how ugly you thought it was. The dive team wasn’t about you it was about your kid.
1) If the dive team isn’t about her, then it doesn’t make any damn difference whether she wears the shirt.
2) Being a parent of a kid on a team neither implies nor requires outsourcing your agency to the whims of other parents who form a hive mind around their association with that team. *Those* are the people who have made the team about themselves rather than the kids — your comment is an utter inversion of reality.
It’s not agency. Agency would infer doing something meaningful. There is nothing meaningful about refusing to fit in for reasons of whim. Although, to be blunt, even that is arguably more meaningful than subsequently writing about the whole tedious affair.
You read the whole post despite finding it “tedious,” then spent additional time reading the comments and composing replies to at least one of them. Pretty well drains any credibility from the smug, above-it-all, “I have better things to do with my time” act.
I only skim read it but otherwise fair comment
I can’t believe that is what you got from reading this. I was the proper age for my kids’ organized activities but didn’t fit other expectations no matter how hard I tried (and I tried many times with 4 kids). As OP realized and was clear, the “rules” are about conformity, they just allow the adult bullies to find a crack to ostracize.
There is no doubt that the kids on both sides absorb at least part of these feelings/actions making it worse. My heart always broke for my kids for having the “weird/bad/non conforming mom.
Finally with my 4th I embraced it by finding my own peer group who also became active at his activities. We were all outcasts of some sort and got loud for his teams.
I say screw the cliques that only continue their middle school antics and try to find your people! That teaches our children a much better lesson.
1) Clearly it did since she was snarked at the rest of the season.
2) Choosing to wear the shirt isn’t “giving up your agency”. It is a choice made in the interest of harmony. In these situations the parents and kids can get together to ostracize a teammate who is disliked. A parent who makes an effort to belong can help keep that from happening.
You’re defending an absolutely sickening system that no one should defend for one second. “Conform to any petty requirement or expect your child to be punished” should set alarm bells off in anyone’s head.
1) That’s because the people who the team isn’t about decided to make it about themselves rather than the kids, which makes them the ones in the wrong.
2) Finding someone’s preference not to wear a particular shirt disharmonious is histrionic, and demanding that kind of conformity from a parent of a member of a high school team on pain of being ostracized or even just treated differently is sociopathic and abusive.
The team is about the kids, not about the parents, and what the parents wear does not affect the team or have anything to do with the team. Any parent who makes an issue about what any other parent wears is an asshole busybody who needs to mind her own f***ing business. Reread this paragraph until you get it.
Stupid and wrong take. Parents are not babies and do not get issued uniforms. Parents can wear whatever the fuck they want
Most parents are so fat they shouldn’t be allowed to wear cheap t-shirts in public. Nobody wants to see your man boobs or the gentle outline of your overworked underwire bra half buried in a fat roll.
It’s not fashionable, but Transactional Analysis - the Thomas Harris ‘I’m OK-You’re OK’ stuff - is a great and accessible tool for identifying and side stepping such hazards rather than blundering into them. Bad for copy-generation though :-)
Thank you - I'll need to look up! Once again my art history degree leads to great stories to share and unhelpful real-world skills. I'm just waiting for the moment my knowledge of Byzantine architecture ever becomes beneficial.
Your ‘Let me through! I’m an expert on Byzantine architecture!’ moment will surely come.
Thank you!