Should she move cities for her long-distance boyfriend?

How to decide when moving for someone is worth it

Dear Karen,

I’m 27 and I’ve been dating my boyfriend (29) long-distance for about a year and a half. We met through mutual friends when he was visiting my city, and honestly, the relationship has been surprisingly great considering we only see each other every 2-3 weeks. We chat constantly, the visits are always good, and I genuinely think this could be something real.

Here’s my problem: he lives in a different city about 5 hours away that I have zero connection to. I don’t know anyone there besides him, and it’s not a place I ever thought about moving to. But we’ve hit the point where the distance thing isn’t sustainable anymore. He has said “one of us needs to move if this is going to work long term” and he’s right, but he’s also not offering to be the one who moves.

His reasoning is that his job is really specialized (he’s in supply chain management) and there are way more opportunities in his city than mine. My job in communications is more flexible. Logically, I get it. But emotionally, I’d be leaving my friends, my apartment I actually like, the coffee shop where I’m a regular, my gym, all of it. To move somewhere I don’t know for a relationship that’s mostly been conducted over FaceTime.

Everyone keeps asking “but do you love him?” and I do! But I also love my life here. And I can’t tell if moving would be a romantic leap of faith or just... following a man to his city because it’s more convenient for him.

The worst part is I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. That it won’t work out and I’ll be stuck somewhere I never wanted to be? That I’m being naive? That five years from now I’ll resent him for this? Or am I just scared of the unknown and using “independence” as an excuse to avoid actually committing?

How do you know when moving for someone is the right call versus a mistake you’ll regret?

— Long-Distance and Losing Perspective

Dear Long-Distance and Losing Perspective,

Here’s what I’m hearing: You’re 27, you’ve built a life you actually like, and now you’re being asked to dismantle it and move somewhere you have zero attachment to because your boyfriend’s job is “more specialized.” And when you hesitate, everyone’s asking if you really love him, like love is supposed to override basic questions about whose life gets uprooted.

Let me be clear about something: this isn’t really about feminism or independence or whether you love him enough. Those are the frames everyone else is using. What you’re actually looking for is a guarantee that either he’s worth it or he isn’t. And unfortunately, that’s not possible.

I’ll offer two disclaimers up front: first, I moved to a different state for a job that I was only interested in because of a guy when I was 29; second, I’m highly impatient and would rather take action, get answers, and course correct if needed, than sit in limbo waiting for my hand to be forced.

If we operate on the assumption that you’re correct and he cannot move and you have the job flexibility to do so, it’s time to think about really practical questions like: What’s your professional situation in his city? Not “communications jobs exist there in theory” but actual research into whether you’d be taking a step back, sideways, or forward. What’s the cost of living compared to where you are now? What would your day-to-day life look like when he’s at work and you’re in a city where the only person you know is the person you moved there for?

Here’s the thing about moving for someone: it’s not romantic if it leaves you isolated and resentful. And it’s not a “leap of faith” if you haven’t actually looked at where you’re leaping.

You have a two-part homework assignment you need to complete:

Objectively evaluate the two options in front of you. List all the criteria that matter to you in your life and where you live, weight the criteria based on importance, and compare his city and your city objectively. Make sure it’s *your* criteria and not someone else’s so if you don’t care about weather at all, leave it off, and if the restaurant scene is most important to you, weigh it accordingly. See if either the act of doing the exercise or the final result gives you the clarity you need. If things start to seem equal when you look at them in this light, then move to part two.

Give some thought to the worst case scenario either way. If you move and it doesn’t work out, is there enough in the new location to make you excited? Or is it easy enough to move back? Alternatively, if you don’t move, what happens?

The only real guarantee is that if you move, you’ll get an answer on the relationship and not waste any more time. Living someplace you love with people you already know is great but if you’re not making the most of your time there because you’re always on FaceTime with a guy somewhere else, you’re still holding yourself back.

Often, there’s a middle path as well, so if you’re not sure about the rest of this, give yourself some time and permission to come up with creative options. Maybe the answer isn’t “I move there permanently” but “I do a six-month trial and we reassess.” Maybe it’s “I’ll move but we split the costs of me flying back regularly to maintain my friendships.” Maybe it’s “actually, you need to consider my city because I’m not willing to be the only one who compromises.”

The question isn’t whether you love him enough to move: it’s about how you want to live your life and spend your time.

It’s time to step forward and find out.

I’m confident you’ll figure it out,

Karen

About Mess of the Moment

Mess of the Moment is an advice column for people navigating situations that don’t come with a playbook, including blended families, workplace dynamics, complex extended families, and other relationships where the “right answer” isn’t obvious. Got a question? I can’t promise I’ll have the answer, but I can promise I’ve probably stepped in something similar.

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