Sincerely, Karen
On names that arrive as promises, and those that arrive as verdicts
Every time I’m at the vet, I find myself staring at a poster that lists the top 10 dog and cat names across the country and am aware of how little has changed in a decade. Luna, Bella, Charlie, and Max have all been popular for decades. Max has been at the top of the list for boy dogs since the 80s and Bella dethroned Molly as top girl dog name in 2009 when Twilight really took off.
It’s kind of fascinating that while the standard dog names have stayed relatively constant and cut from a similar cloth (largely because simple names are easy for most dogs to learn — except, of course, my dog Sam who still doesn’t know his name at 12), human names have evolved dramatically as parents seek more unique names to set their kids apart. If you really want the full range, I highly recommend the tragedeigh subreddit where people share the most bizarre name choices. For example, someone shared a text thread with a friend who said she was naming her son Equador and didn’t know about Ecuador the country, she just thought “it fits the vibe.”
Our names carry weight which I, as someone named Karen, think about often. Most of the time I think about how a name could invite teasing or mockery — but names that are adjectives or carry real meaning are doing something different. Those names arrive with a promise. We might assume someone named Grace has some grace or see a Valor as brave. We extend Sincere the benefit of the doubt before he opens his mouth.
We absolutely should not.
This season of “Love Island USA” is wrapping up soon and, to be fair, it hasn’t lived up to the bar set by “Love Island UK” and, specifically, Lorenzo (a.k.a. the blend of JFK, Jr and Carlos Sainz, Jr I didn’t know I needed on this planet). However, watching 23-year-olds wearing bikinis all day and explaining where New Hampshire is to people somehow makes summer feel like summer. Early on, we were treated to the coupling of Melanie and Sincere who bonded over being Eagles fans and “being family oriented” and Rita’s water ice.
Sincere established himself as one of the core guys in the villa, had a brotherly relationship with a couple of the girls, and told us that “acts of service” was his love language and it’s important to him to be “vulnerable.” He spoke about being raised by a single mother and grandmother and being the oldest of five children and he seemed… sincere.
I’ll spare the play-by-play but his actions were anything but that and when he had the opportunity to flirt with other women, he did. Using the same moves, he taught other women their names in sign language and used the same pet names and absolutely led every woman he sat with to think he was still “exploring,” while telling Melanie she was special. He had most of the villa fooled but then everyone sat in uncomfortable silence while production made them watch footage of him being so insincere. Everyone was shocked, but his name had been doing his PR for him with others extending the benefit of the doubt for something he hadn’t earned.
If I sound bitter, as someone named Karen, I am. Sincere gets to start every exchange with a point on the scoreboard and I start in the hole. Most of the time, I’m confident my side part bob I’ve been sporting since 2nd grade and self-deprecating sense of humor deflects the “Karen” label, but on the occasion when I do have an issue, I question the best way to handle to avoid the “entitled white woman demanding to speak to the manager” vibe. Naturally, I regularly regret not doubling down on Kari as a nickname.
Recently, we had a special family dinner planned. We were on vacation and had three days together as just the five of us (something that hasn’t happened in years) and wanted to toast both Jeff for Father’s Day and Youngest for graduating college. We booked a reservation at the most expensive restaurant in a very expensive place where you take a boat ride and it’s very special and kind of magical and while you’re paying way too much for all of it, it’s almost always worth it. I’ve had a chance to go every other year or so and celebrate some big milestones and have always taken the boat ride back at sunset with a smile on my face.
This time, however, the boat ride was canceled due to weather. Not a problem, no one wanted to be on a boat in the rain. I confirmed twice that they’d be able to accommodate a vegan, only to arrive and learn the waiter had no knowledge of the request and repeatedly confused vegan and vegetarian. We asked for tap water but ended up forced into $15 bottled water, which we drank quickly because we went an entire course with empty glasses and no one asking if we needed anything to drink.
Some kind of leak sprang near the door that we were seated next to and rain started pouring down. It was bad enough that two different restaurant employees came by to take pictures of the leak and only one noticed it was splashing on me and into my purse so I had to put a coat on and dry my wallet with my napkin. That one said “I hope you’re not getting wet,” and I replied “actually I am” and then he just walked away and never came back.
I ended the evening wet and pretty disappointed that we had wasted $1000. When the Resy feedback form came, I shared the experience and said I assumed if they didn’t know how to accommodate a vegan meal they would have told me so when I checked and that overall the evening felt like we were inconveniencing them and not like we had a reservation for a special celebration.
No reply. Which I suppose was consistent with the experience we had in person.
Unlike Sincere, I start most exchanges on my back foot. I experience it here on Substack where the minute someone doesn’t like something I write the comments go “and of course your name’s Karen.” I can’t fix or change a cultural movement.
I’m behind on Love Island so I’m not sure how Sincere is faring, but I’m sure he’s continuing to be “vulnerable” and “take accountability” and if he does leave with a relationship, it will last as long as his influencer brand deals do. And in a few years, he’ll once again be able to coast on his name for his reputation and not his behavior over six filmed weeks in Fiji.
Meanwhile, I will continue to debate whether I speak up at all. The Resy form going into the void isn’t really an oversight. “Karen complained” is cheaper and easier to swallow than “we’re sorry.”
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